My Sons Are Not Toxic

Recently, a report from the APA came out stating that traditional masculinity is pathological and needs to be treated as such. The same week, Gillete runs an add against "toxic masculinity". I know there are men in this world who believe women are subhuman, subservient and that our only purpose is to serve them and do their bidding. I know there are evil men who believe women are only in this world to make them happy and to give them children. But I firmly believe that is not the standard. There are good men in this world. Men who fight for justice, men who defend and protect, love and respect women. Men are not just waking up to the realization that they've been doing everything wrong all this time. Most men have been doing the right thing all along, but don't make headlines because no one cares about the right thing. I am no stranger to double standards and being talked down to because I'm a woman. I am a defender of women and children. I believe women have the right to walk down the street and not be catcalled and/or assaulted wearing whatever she wants to wear. I believe in women's rights and personal responsibility. I believe that chromosomes and biology do not hinder women in any way in this world.

In the same breath, I believe chromosomes and biology do not hinder men in this world, either. 

My boys are not toxic. My husband is not toxic. My father and brother are not toxic. The men I know and are close to in my community are not toxic. God did not make a mistake when he made man. He did not make a mistake when he made men to be the protector, the defender, to sacrifice all he had for the good of those he loves. Most men I know hold to traditional masculine standards. They are not toxic. It is not toxic to be a defender of the helpless and oppressed. It is not toxic to fight for justice. It is not toxic to respect women, hold the door open for them, defend them when they are being attacked. It is not toxic to earn a living and take care of your family. It is not toxic to make sacrifices and put others before yourself. These things don't cause depression. These things don't cause men to behave poorly. These traits are given to them by God, instilled in their DNA, the inate sense to protect, defend, provide. These are good things. Boys need to learn how to use these insticnts for good, not to repress them because they don't fit into the mold society wants them to fit in.

My husband is the best man I know. He holds to traditional male standards and is teaching our boys to do the same. He wrestles with them, builds with them, cooks with them, reads the Bible and prays with them. He teaches them how to love and respect women by how he loves and respects me. He is stern when disrespect on the part of the boys occurs and lets them know they will not treat me like that, teaching them it is not ever ok to speak to women with disrespect.

My boys are masculine boys. They wrestle, the play battle, they like dirt and mud and sticks and rocks. They are loud and aggressive. They need to be taught how to be men. They need to be allowed to be men. This world is constantly trying to tell them that they are not ok. Schools try and tell them they need to sit down and be quiet. Feminist tell them their opinion is no longer needed because they don't have a uterus. The world tells them that their gender no longer matters, they should be no different than girls. They are told they need to wear pink, they need to like princess, they shouldn't want to play football, they shouldn't enjoy wrestling and big body movements. Their biology is constantly denied, trying to make them more like girls. 

There is a place in our world for both sexes. God's design was for both men and women to compliment each other, to play off each other's strengths and weakness, not to constantly be condemning each other for who we were made to be. Let boys be boys and let girls be girls. God made us different for a reason and I am so thankful for that. Yes, my boys are very different than me and it's confusing and sometimes hard to deal with, but that doesn't mean I need to make them like me, try and force them to be like me because that would be easier for me. I celebrate the differences, and am learning to help them cultivate masculinity. My prayer is they will stand up to the opposition of this world and dare to be different. My prayer is they will not be discouraged when told they are not good enough because they are boys. My prayer is that good men will help train and mentor my sons to become good men, men who protect, defend, honor and respect everyone they come in contact with. My prayer is that no matter what this world is like, when they become men, they will not be afraid to be what God created them to be.

Jacob is 8 Months

On Easter, Jacob turned 8 months old. He has been a busy little one this month. He's learned to pull himself up and is taking small steps holding on to the furniture. He's so cute trying to play with his brothers. They, on the other hand, are not quite sure what to think of it. Jacob pops himself into their play often and while they are gracious, the sharing thing is still hard for them. Jacob is learning to eat more, and definitely showing food preferences. He doesn't look at me like I betrayed him every time I feed him anymore, which is good, although if he doesn't like something he definitely lets me know. He shoves me hand away, or takes the spoon and throws it, so I have permanent food spots on my floor at the moment because I'm just not gonna mop every day, although I probably should. 

It's been fun this month to watch the boys own their role even more as big brothers. A thing often talked about is that they are responsible to protect each other. We talk about their hands are to be used to protect and love, not to hit and hurt. But their bodies are for that as well. And they are learning to protect their younger brother, to pay attention to where he is, to make sure not to step on him or to watch where their toys are so they don't hit Jacob in the head. When both older boys see Jacob has crawled up beside them, they reach down to hug him, to pat him on the back, to give him a kiss. I love watching them as they are learning to love their brother in a different way and accept this new part of being a brother.

Since last month was the month leading to Easter, that was a big part of our discussion the whole month. Curtis is definitely getting to where he understands things a little more, he's asking lots of questions about God, Jesus, Satan, Heaven and Hell. I love these conversations, I love the questions he asks and am very thankful God has given me these 3 little boys to teach about him. I often get discouraged that I'm at home all the time, I miss the ministry work at the CPC, and forget that God has given me an important ministry here. He has given me 3 little boys to teach about him, to train up into men who will love him, serve him, honor him. I have been reminded of that this month with teaching about Easter, and am looking forward to every opportunity I have to talk about God with my boys. 

Jacob is 7 Months

Our littlest little turned 7 months last week. With every day, I'm seeing his personality come out more and more. He is such a joyful baby, constantly laughing, smiling and squealing. He does his little army crawl to get anywhere he wants to go, right now he is really exploring everywhere that he can get to. It's been an adjustment for the older boys because Jacob is beginning to want to touch their toys, and play with them. I've had to switch toys around since he puts everything in his mouth and have to explain most days that the toys in the living room are to share, Jacob is allowed to play with all the toys, not just the baby toys. Often Judah likes to take the toys and replace it with a baby toy so at least he's not completely not wanting to share. We've also been working on food and sippy cups, which is really slow going. He is not a fan of food and looks at me every time like I've betrayed him when I put something in his mouth. I pretty much have to force feed him almost everything we've tried. Hopefully soon he will begin to like food. Sleep is still something we don't get much of around here, even on the nights he sleeps well, we're almost always woken up around 5 or even before by our sweet second child. If he's left in his room, he enjoys waking up the entire house, not just us, so we try and quickly get him out of his room before he wakes his brothers. It's become common for me to sleep on the couch for an hour or so while he watches Netflix just to get a few extra minutes of sleep before the day starts. I keep thinking, the older he gets, this will stop happening, but he's been doing it off and on about a year, so he may just be our early riser. But I am looking forward to him being old enough to understand he can't wake everyone else up, and maybe he can read or play quietly, but I think it will be a while before we get there. 

We've really enjoyed the warmer weather this past month as well. Winter used to be my favorite season. I loved the hats and scarves and sweaters, reading by the fire with hot chocolate and playing in the snow. Winter is very different when you have 3 boys because it usually means lots of days in doors. The warmer sunshine has done our souls good. The boys, even Jacob, could spend hours outside and the last several weeks, we have done a lot of that. They listen better when they've had outside time, they are calmer when I need them to be calm and they go to sleep much better. So I am loving these days, loving watching them explore their world, learn how to ride their tricycles, draw silly pictures with chalk, fight each other with sticks (#boymomlife) and pick flowers to bring to me. I love that we've moved to a place where they have that chance, where we can play not fenced in but they can roam and have space to be free for a little while. And I am looking forward to watching how Jacob will fit in to all their play in the next few months as he starts to be mobile. When we're out now, he wants to be down playing with them, so it will be fun to watch.

 His first time in the high chair. He was not a fan of the food.

 Curtis loves playing with Jacob at dinner, entertaining him for me when he's fussy.

 Judah's poor little eye has had issues, first spinning himself into a window sill, then catching Curtis' knee. It's finally starting to get better after about 2 weeks.

 He was definitely done with pictures

We Made it Half a Year :)

Tomorrow, Jacob turns 6 months old. We've had 3 little ones now for half a year. It's hard to remember our life before Jacob because he just fits in perfectly. I love how God does that, he knits us all together, makes us a family without us even noticing it's happening. This past month is no exception to that. One of my most favorite things, recently, is how much the older boys love Jacob. Any time Jacob is fussy, Curtis likes to stand in front of him, play peek-a-boo with him, or make silly sounds/faces. He reads to him, sings to him. He's such an amazing big brother. Judah is as well. I can leave Judah playing on the floor with Jacob and come back to Judah laying in front of him or beside him, talking to him, loving on him. I love watching them when they don't know that I am because it's so awesome to see how they are becoming brothers.

Jacob has had a big month. We now have 3 teeth. He's started sleeping through most of the night now. He's trying his hardest to crawl, I think it'll be in the next few days that it happens. He's begun eating some cereal and last night tried sweet potatoes. And the biggest deal, he stayed in the nursery on Sunday. It's the first time I've left him since he was just a few weeks old. I was nervous, checking my phone every few minutes to see if I had a text to go get him, but I didn't. He did great and had fun. It's so nice to know that I can now leave him for a little while and he is ok. I'm hoping this will translate into me being able to go for a run several mornings a week once it starts to lighten up again, because I am really looking forward to getting back to running. 

Here's a few pictures from our month. 

 Jacob loves Baxter and Baxter is so good with him. I love watching them play together

 Jacob loves his excersaucer. He hangs out in it while I'm cooking, and during meal times. He's finally really learning how to play with it and bounce in it.

 The boys had so much fun playing in the snow. It's so nice Isaac has a job that let him work at home so he could play with the boys in between calls.

Jacob is 5 months

My littlest little is 5 months old. He has 2 teeth, still teething, but so far only 2. He loves to chew on his hands or my hands or really anything that he can put in his mouth. He's still not sleeping very well, usually up at least twice during the night, sometimes 3 times. During the day, he typically only sleeps 30 minutes or less of a nap, but every now and then, like today, he'll give me a good 2 hours and it's the most glorious thing. There's is nothing like racing the naptime clock to get things done around the house. He's begun rolling all over the place in the last few days, never wants to stay in one place and he's really trying to crawl but can't quite get himself up on all 4s yet, but I think that will be next month. He's so smiley and loves anytime someone is talking to him. He is a very content baby, loves to hang out in his exersaucer or swing, or just lay on the floor. That's very different than the older boys, but much needed as I often have to be doing something with them or doing stuff around the house. 

The month of December was a crazy month. Isaac was travelling for work most of the month, then we traveled for Christmas and New Years. With all that considered, it was a pretty good month. The boys did well and adjusted well when needed. Thankfully, for the most part, it was a warm month, so there was a lot of outside play to get us through the days without Isaac. I learned to let so things go, figuring there were bigger battles to fight, such as nap time and bed time issues. And since then, both times of the day have been much less stressful and everyone sleeps eventually, and honestly, as long as they stay in their rooms, it doesn't really matter, I just need a few minutes with at least just one kid, or none if possible. 

Like most months, God is always working to expose my selfishness, my lack of patience and my need for reliance on Him. I see that the most when Isaac is gone and I don't get a break. Those days are hard, made harder by my complaints and self-pity. But I'm learning that sleep can't dictate my mood, whether I'm sick or not can't dictate my mood, and the boys behavior can't dictate my mood. Every month it's a lot of the same when it comes to things I need to learn, and it always seems God show me a different facet of the same trait. Thankfully, I guess that's what motherhood is for, it exposes the bad and shows me where I need to grow, and keeps me dependent of God for everything.

 I first snow at the house. It was beautiful, the picture definitely doesn't do it justice

 One of my favorite Christmas traditions, making Christmas cookies with the boys. Curtis had so much fun

 This was the only picture I got of the gift opening. It became very chaotic after this and we were all on sensory overload very quickly...except Jacob...who fell asleep nursing

 This dear friend came for a visit from Norfolk. It was so wonderful to have her here! She was such a great help with the boys, as you can see, they love her. And I loved having some of my Norfolk life here in Lincolnton. It meant a lot for her to come visit

 The boys got to see the fire trucks at Taylor's birthday party

Jacob is 4 Months

Jacob turned 4 months old today. Like always, it's been a month of changes. Just when things seem to get figured out, they change and we learn to adapt, and then it happens all over again. This month, I have adapted to being up about every 2-3 hours during the night. At first, I thought it was teething or a growth spurt, but then just realized that's his schedule for now. It was like this with Curtis and Judah too. I just keep telling myself I will get to sleep eventually, one day when the boys are older :) I really look forward to that day. For now, I get up with him, snuggle him, nurse him, fall asleep watching whatever show on Netflix and then rewind it when I realize I've missed half of it, then repeat about 2 hours later. Thankfully, the older boys usually sleep through the night, although Judah has learned he can get out of bed and around 4 most mornings, we hear him at the gate in his room wanting to watch tv. This morning, I think I put him back in bed 3 or 4 times before he went back to sleep, hopefully he'll be out of that habit soon. 

The most fun about Jacob this month is how smiley and talkative he is. He smiles with his whole body, his face lights up, he legs kick and his arms flail. He gets so excited when he sees Isaac on FaceTime. Some nights when Isaac is gone and Jacob is fussy, all I have to do is call him and Jacob calms down. For the most part, Jacob is a calm baby. He just sits back and watches the chaos of our life. He seems to really like how loud it is, has a calming effect on him. He loves to be outside and I've learned that I can put him in his chair, sit him outside and he'll hang out for quite a while so I can get some work done. I'm sure things will all change again, but for now, I am loving this stage of his life.

Here's a few pictures of our month, Thanksgiving at my mom's, decorating and re-decorating the Christmas tree, and 4 month pictures. 

Judah is super excited for the "big muffin", the panetone bread that we used for French Toast

 Isaac is singing his less creepy version of Rock a Bye Baby to Jacob

This is our norm for now, and I'm having to learn to be ok with it. They re-decorate the tree every time they see it.

He's pretty fascinated with the lights

 This picture is curtesy of Jacob being awake around 5, not wanting to go back to sleep, so why not take advantage of the dark and get some cute Christmas light pictures?

 I love this smile! It makes the hard days and sleepless nights worth it :)